I have started this post many times since the beginning of January, but it never seemed to be written the way I planned. I wanted to regale the tale (rhyme not intended) of how well I did. I think I waxed poetic about what I was going to do with my writing, and my bass playing. It was my year of being brave and dammit, I was going to make things happen. But sometimes being brave goes much deeper. Sometimes it demands facing things you don’t want to deal with. It was harder to be brave than I thought.

I have anxiety and depression. And sometimes, no matter how faithfully I take my meds, life can be so overwhelming. All I wanted to do was stay in bed, or hide under the bed and never come out. Last February, somthing happened that I won’t go into, and I stopped playing my bass. I was mad and hurt. After that, I had to send my poodle, Sandy, over the rainbow bridge. She had doggie dememtia and sinced my mom had dementia and she was originally my mom’s dog, it brought back a lot of sadness and grief. I think that’s when my spiral began. I wanted to go hang out with my Mom, Dad, and Sandy.

Life was barreling down on me and I was so overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how, or want to ask for help. I’m supposed to be able to do this. But I couldn’t. Everything suffered, my writing, my crafting, my work, my house. I’m not sure anyone realized how bad off I really was. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I’ve been in this hole before and have climbed out. I may tell that story one day. I also have a great family and a wonderful group of friends. Remembering this gave me the courage to keep on.

In November I decided to do Nanwrimo. It stands for National Novel Writing Month. The goal was to write a novel. Fifty thousand words is the goal. I had decided to work on my YA, G. W. Sanders mystery. My story went way off couse, and I couldn’t seem to steer it back. I was so mad. So I put that one aside and pulled out a Philippa Marlowmellow detective story. That story went sideways. I was frustrated and angry. I wondered if I needed to be writing at all. But instead of quitting, I took a deep breath and went on. I knew I could fix it later. I didn’t make the 50,000 words, but I got over 10,000 and that was an accomplishment for me. I was happy. I’m not sure I’ll do it again. I felt like I was more concerned about the word count than the story. But I did move up the long wall to the top.

December. It’s holiday season and holiday stress. I slipped a little. I got so overwhelmed. I got jury duty which put me behind on my gifts. I was making most of them. I think my cat, Charlie, knew how I was and kept trying to comfort me in her own cat way, but I couldn’t stitch and have her sit on my chest. I did complete them, but it wasn’t as much fun. I didn’t bake, or make sausage balls like I normally do. I just wanted it to be over.

On Facebook, I saw a post from the Crazy Lady Bookstore about an open mic poetry reading. I got it into my head that I was going to do this. Why? I don’t know. It was so far outside of my comfort zone. So on that Saturday in December, I went and read my poetry. I was a bit intimidated. Everyone else’s poetry was so serious and well, mine wasn’t. I’m a storyteller. I tell stories. If you want to know how Persians got flat faces, I have a story poem about it. My performance went really well. My husband, son, and one of my sisters came to watch. When I was finished, my 21 year son gave me a big hug and told me he was proud of me. That was the highlight of the evening. And the light brightened.

I woke up New Years day with a glad heart. Christmas was better than I expected. I am thankful for my family and friends. Am I at a 100%? No. I crawled and am standing on the precipace. But I’m better. I have a great life. No, it’s not easy and yes, I’m going to go through this again. But I have people who love me. I saw this saying on the back window of a car and the words spoke to me. I need tomorrow as much as it needs me. It’s all good.

Oh, and by the way, Kitty Blue (My bass) and I got reaquainted. I’ve picked out a song I want to learn and we’re going to have a good time.