Fat Farm

 Chapter 1

 I am in Hell.  Does this mean that I’m in the hot place we are warned of in every Christian doctrine out there?  No. It is much worse.  It is a hard place filled with meanness.  It’s a place that eats up your heart and soul then spits it back out as fertilizer.  That’s the only way I can describe it.  There aren’t enough words in the English language to describe the horror.

Some people think Hell is someplace God puts sinners that don’t repent.  That’s not true. Hell is the place society puts those people whose image is not what society thinks it ought to be.  It is for those people that society is afraid they will become.

So, how did I get here?  By being a social pariah.  By being the butt of many a joke.  By being “less than” in the eyes of society.  I got here by being fat.  Oh, come on, don’t roll your eyes.  All you have to do is look at the television, listen to the radio, and read magazines to know how the overweight are regarded.  You know how I got here.  Now, how am I going to get out?  That’s the sixty-four million dollar question.  I don’t know.

You may wonder if I got dragged to Hell kicking and screaming.  Nope. I was driven through the front gates on a refurbished school bus with a bright, cheery slogan,  “Be Strong! Be beautiful! For America!”  We were so bamboozled.  We bought a load of crap – hook, line, and sinker, and now we are wallowing in the stench.  Some of us more literally than others.  I’m here to admit that I am one of the foolish ones.

When I first entered Hell I was resigned to my fate.  I didn’t even know I was in Hell at first.  I mistakenly thought I was going to get the help promised by the government.  I thought I was going to get the help I so desperately needed.  I thought it was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It turned out to be fool’s gold and boy I am the fool.  Let me tell you how I got here.

The first time I saw Edward Banyon was on YouTube, and man was he gorgeous.  It didn’t matter to me that he was ranting and raving about government waste, or how the first time in so many years the credit score of the country was down.  He was eye candy, and I really think that’s why his video went viral.  All the women wanted to see the most beautiful man on Earth.

His hair was the color of milk chocolate; that light, smooth brown that makes your mouth water.  His body was perfect.  Not the perfect as in a bodybuilder or football player, but that lean body of a soccer player or runner, but the most stunning features were his eyes.  Oh my gosh!  You could just fall into eyes so blue it looked like a clear mountain lake on a summer day.  I can’t even tell you how many times I watched the video just to look at the perfect Edward Banyon.  The next thing I knew he was running for President.  Edward Banyon started his campaign with the platform he stated from his videos and the country was in love.

I was lucky enough to work on the campaign.  My company ran public relations for him on his trip to Georgia.  I loved being in the middle of all the hoopla.  Unfortunately I didn’t get to meet him, but just working on such a monumental election was awe inspiring.

It is a bad time in our country and we are in the worst recession we’ve seen in a very long time.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I have a job.  I guess the country as a whole lost its confidence in our leaders and in ourselves.  We were tired of hearing the same old trash talk and rhetoric from our leaders.  We lost the respect of the world leaders.  We were tired of sending our people to fight in countries that hated us.  We were tired of the government spending trillions of dollars it didn’t have while Americans were losing their homes and businesses.  We were afraid of the rumors floating around that the government was going to take our hard-earned savings and distribute it to everyone.  We scrimped and did without, so it should stay ours.  We were tired and weary, and just wanted the President to fix it.  Our new, beautiful President.

Looking back, we should have remembered our history lessons.  We should have remembered Germany after World War I.  We should have remembered Adolph Hitler.

The presidential race was ugly – with a capital “U.”  The candidates from the major parties were fighting dirtier than ever.  Every tiny indiscretion was blown out of proportion; from the big things like extramarital affairs, drug use, and extortion, to overdue library books.  One candidate was bashed because he was hustled out of the bathroom so fast by his handlers that he didn’t get a chance to wash his hands properly.  No one mentioned the antibacterial lotion he used before resuming glad handing.  You couldn’t turn on the television without seeing some nasty ad.  I recorded everything so I could fast forward through the commercials.  It was bad.  It was ugly and we got tired of it pretty quickly.

I’m not trying to make excuses.  America has some highly educated and intelligent people.  We are free thinkers, but we are human.  We were confused.  We were tired.  We wanted change.  Change came in the guise of a man who didn’t seem affiliated with any major party.  He was the wild card.  He was an enigma.  He was beautiful, and you know how we Americans love perfect, beautiful people.

We should really know better than to judge someone by their looks, but it’s done.  Studies have shown people who are prettier or more handsome were treated better.  They got the jobs and the perks in society.  We want to emulate them.  We want to be one of the beautiful people.  I want to be one of the beautiful people, well…I’m not.

Edward Banyon started his campaign with a platform everyone loved.  He campaigned on bringing America back to its former glory.  “To be a strong, beautiful America we need to make some changes!” he campaigned  “We need to trim the fat that is weighing America down.”

“AMEN!” America shouted back.  Yes! Trim the fat off wasteful government programs!  Trim the fat off the government!  Make them follow a budget without spending more than they have!  Man it was going to be great!

We were all over it.  This beautiful man was telling us he was going to fix things.  This beautiful man was going to make the changes we wanted and so desperately needed.  We elected this beautiful man to the highest office – the presidency.  It was going to be the Golden Age once again and this oh-so-beautiful man was going to lead us there.  We were so happy and excited. We didn’t realize our mistake until it was too late.